After the Divorce, Custody, and Timesharing Issues are Settled-Life Goes On and Ex-Etiquette is a Must…

Relationship with ex troubles new girlfriend
Ex-Etiquette for Parents

DR. JANN BLACKSTONE

Syndicated Columnist

 Q: When a son divorces, should his family stay in contact with ex-wife? The son has a new lady in his life, and almost every member of the family is keeping in contact with his ex. They loan her money and babysit their children, plus children that are hers and not the son’s. It just seems like too much and makes things very difficult. What’s good ex-etiquette?

 A: Reading between the lines I suspect you are the “new lady,” and it sounds like you don’t like your boyfriend’s family staying in touch with his ex.

 This is understandable because you probably want to build your own relationship with them, and it could feel like their involvement with her gets in the way.

 There also may be the fear that they will always prefer her and you will remain second best.

 Truth is, that may be true, but good ex-etiquette dictates that you stop comparing and work on your own relationship with them.

 They are doing the right thing by staying in touch with her. She is not just the ex of their son or brother, but also the mother of their grandchildren, nieces or nephews.

 If they want to see the children on a regular basis, it’s best to stay in good standing with both parents, if possible.

 The fact that your boyfriend’s extended family accepts her children from a previous relationship as part of their family is commendable.

 His parents may be the only grandparents her children have, and those children have probably been raised as siblings to your boyfriend’s children.

 It’s not good ex-etiquette to expect these people to walk away from the mother of their grandkids or from children they have unselfishly accepted because your boyfriend has broken up with their mother and now you are his girlfriend.

 In terms of loaning her money — that’s between her and them.

 Divorce complicates things financially, and they may be loaning her money, once again, to help with the children. You probably don’t know the particulars and shouldn’t get involved.

 Here’s a tip for how to use good ex-etiquette when problem solving: Notice my answer began with an empathetic approach — I put myself in your shoes and empathized with your plight — that’s using Ex-etiquette for Parents rule #7.

 It helps when discussing things that the other person sees you understand their point of view.

 But, then I shifted the rest of my answer to using the kids as criteria for problem solving: That’s using the primary rule of Good Ex-Etiquette for Parents, rule #1, “Put the children first.”

 I no longer talked about how the choices made you feel, it was all about the kids. Once you remove yourself from the equation and use the best interest of the kids as the basis for problem solving, the answers come much easier.

 Looks like you have been asked to be a new member of this club.

 Make sure you can follow the club bylaws without reservation before you join.

Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www. bonusfamilies.com. Email her at the Ex-Etiquette website www. exetiquette.com at drjann@ exetiquette.com.

What Our Clients Say

“Professionalism, Quality, Responsiveness, Value
I had a great experience at Batley Family Law. They assisted me with my case. They were excellent and ensured that my case was handled as efficiently as possible and always made me feel informed. This firm helped me through a stressful time. Would absolutely recommend this law firm.”


J. A.

“Thanks for everything yesterday! I had a very informative and meaningful consultation with Batley Family Law. I can tell that they are compassionate and strong which I admire in a law firm. Their firm has written a great book on New Mexico Divorce Law and they had recommendations for books to help my kids in this process! Thanks for the great gifts as well. I look forward to working with them in the process that lies ahead.”

M.F.

Bobbie Batley is unquestionably the top family lawyer in New Mexico, largely because of the amazing team she leads. This firm cares about their clients, and puts those needs out front. I will never hesitate to refer to this firm!”

E.K.

“Batley Family Law is an excellent place to work. I enjoy coming in everyday. It is clear to see how much our attorneys value New Mexican families. They work their hardest to advocate for their clients on a daily basis.”

K. W.

“Batley Family Law provided me with excellent advice and service to effectively and efficiently resolve an issue with my best interests in mind. They did this with a great deal of compassion. I would highly recommend this firm.”

E. F.

Contact Us

Please call us at
505-246-0500 or complete the form and we will be in touch.

Batley Family Law
316 Osuna Road Ne #301
Albuquerque, NM 87107
Email: office@batleyfamilylaw.com
Phone: 505-246-0500

  • Read our Privacy Policy